Oxford for Cars is a new organisation set up to further the use of cars and other motor vehicles in Oxford. Oxford for Cars opposes any attempts to restrict or control the use of cars, and demands the removal of the barriers to them that exist across Oxford.
People like to drive. The existence of obstacles to driving wherever people want to is unacceptable, and cars should be prioritised instead of having space taken away from them for clunky buses and wobbly cyclists and trundling pedestrians. "We think that by further discouraging bus use and walking and cycling, we can easily get another 20,000 cars a day driving into or across Oxford."
Oxford for Cars is totally opposed to low traffic neighbourhoods where cars can't use residential streets as cut-throughs. Not only do we not want any more of these, we want the ones that already exist removed. If cars are allowed to race through these they will be able to get to the next congestion bottleneck faster and spend longer waiting there. "We want the benefits of High Traffic Neighbourhoods to be made available to everyone."
Far fewer children walk or cycle to school now than even twenty years ago. That's because they don't need to, as more people now have cars. If there's a health or safety problem, schools should insist that children arrive safely in cars, rather than attempting to introduce School Streets schemes that restrict motor vehicles from coming right up to the school gates. Where possible, Oxford for Cars will work with schools to implement drive-through drop-offs, which will allow children to be deposited directly into classrooms and avoid them having to exercise themselves at all, or risk getting rained on.
The bus gates on High St and Castle St should be removed, as there are too many buses there and something has to be done to discourage them. And all bus lanes should be converted to extra car lanes — peak hour speeds on the main roads will drop below 5mph under our plans, so it should be possible to cram several thousand extra cars into those lanes, for the two or three hours it will take them to get into or out of Oxford. If that doesn't put the bus companies out of business further measures may be necessary.
The footpaths in the city centre should be shrunk, and all cycle parking removed, to create room for extra on-street car parking. Sadly not everyone will be able to park right outside the shop they want to visit, but there is plenty of space in Oxford for new car parks — just look at Gloucester Green, Bonn Square, Christ Church Meadow and University Parks. If the Broad St car park were properly designed it could hold at least twice as many cars, possibly five times as many with a compact multi-storey design. And "controlled parking" zones should of course be abolished.
Air pollution can be solved by improving the filtering systems in cars and shopping centres, and discouraging people from leaving their houses other than in cars. Subsidised gym memberships will enable people to pedal exercise bikes and walk on treadmills instead of having to risk their lives walking or cycling outside.
We realise almost a third of households in Oxford have no access to a motor vehicle, and a quarter of adults lack a driving license. So Oxford for Cars is calling for emergency funding from the government to subsidise driving lessons, and for a "first car owners" grant to enable more people to buy cars. We call on Oxfordshire to hold an annual "drive to work" day, or even take a leaf out of Adelaide's book and celebrate a "driver's month".
And the future? We are collaborating with like-minded organisations to design a fantastic motorway system for Greenland after the ice-cap there melts.
Update 1: Despite the efforts of agents provocateurs in the comments, we are not going to be lured into factional divisions between different kinds of cars. ICE cars are the only ones with chemical warfare capabilities; they can also generate offensive levels of noise even at low speeds. EVs compensate by being heavier and able to accelerate faster, making them better at simply bullying pedestrians and cyclists off the roads. And even a small sprinkling of AVs may be enough to terrorise people walking and cycling.
Update 2: My original post only considered the place of cars in Oxford itself, and not the role Oxford could play in inducing larger volumes of traffic nationally. On consideration of the options, I believe the best idea is to build a giant raised motorway intersection over the top of Oxford, allowing easy interconnection between the A34, the A420, the A40, the A44, the A4074, and the new expressway to Cambridge, as well as a number of other roads. Oxford itself could then be repurposed as a motorway services area.